If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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