Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
