Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
