It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
