The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
