I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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