its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Randomize
