I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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