dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
