there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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