So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
