my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
