First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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