y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
