My sheets look like a crime scene.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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