You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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