I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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