life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
