I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
