and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
