his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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