i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
