Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
