i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
