I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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