Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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