He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
