He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
