matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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