no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
