I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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