I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
