they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
