I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
