My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
