I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
