8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
