I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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