I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
