What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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