What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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