i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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