You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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