What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it's like heaven, but drunker
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
