i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
