I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Let's get the cat blown out
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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