i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
