Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
