my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
