Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
